Nevergirl’s

What kind of man would marry me if, aside from being achingly young, uneducated, and barely able to string together a paragraph in English, I could cook, farm, perform all sorts of manual labor until my eyes cross, and promise to eat very little?

I decided to find out.

I hightailed it to a popular mail-order female website which proclaimed itself responsible for over 50,000 marriages and 15,000 relationships. It boasts of numerous testimonials from people who “found soulmates online” and “started a family on the back of a membership fee.”

Today, I gave birth to The Maria Experiment. Meet Maria Macalandag. Maria has my face, her profile is her own. To complete the story, I uploaded a photo of me taken in one of the depressed areas I’d gone to for Basic Mass Integration. Think mountains as far as the eyes as can see and shanties the most minor of storms would uproot.

Name: Maria Macalandag
Age: 19
Height: 5”
Weight: 100-115 lbs.
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Country: Philippines
Nationality: Pilipino
Education: High School
Employment: Farmering daughter

About:
I’m want marry to a mature man, maybe 50 – 65 of ages. Good if American or live in Europe. I always very clean and work hard. I clean and cook expert. I not eating too much or go out have fun. I take good care of husband. I wash clothes and many thing. I can work in farm or home. I live in farm for many years. I am not so short but very strong.

Thank you and more power.

Three days later, I was dumbfounded by how well the experiment went. My mailbox overflowed with emails from men all over the Western hemisphere. Imagine how shocked these guys felt after the meek and barely literate Maria dashed off her replies to their letters. I wouldn’t be surprised if I gave some of them a coronary. But I’m getting ahead of the story. Let’s meet some of Maria’s prospective husbands, shall we?

Prospect No. 1 - Mac, a 44-year-old white American farmer, with green eyes and a receding hairline

Message:
Dear Maria, I am very much interested in you. I am looking for a wife who wants to raise a family and help me take care of my land. Perhaps this could be the beginning of a very special relationship.

Dear Mac, I know you jerk off at the idea of land being farmed oh-so disrespectfully. Thank you for showing interest in farming me.

Prospect No. 2 - Gary, a 40-year-old car salesman

Message:
I felt I had to write you because I saw your photo… and wow! I think you’re the girl I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I am financially stable but I don’t meet your age requirement. I hope you change your mind about that. I never could understand why girls your age want very old men.

Dear Gary, I’m sorry I can’t marry you. You don’t fit my requirement. I want to marry an ailing old man who will give me hours of wheelchair-pushing pleasure.

Prospect No. 3 - Dean, a 47-year-old American entrepreneur

Message:
Hello, how are you? You’re a beautiful woman. I’d like to know more about you.

Dear Dean, what more do you need to know? I just want to cook your meals and do your laundry. Please let me.

Prospect No. 4 – Jude, a 55-year-old retired pilot

Message:
Hello maria, you seem to be a very humor-filled young woman. I hope I could talk to you soon. May I have your number? I want to call you.

Humor-filled? Can you show me one line in my profile that shows I’m trying to be funny? I offered you love and servitude. I also promised to eat very little. That’s not funny. That’s economical.

Please send me $500 so I can buy a phone and prepaid load. You can call me then.

I know, I know. I should not have written back to Maria’s suitors in the manner I did. I could have prolonged the fun by continuing the correspondence. But really, how could anyone resist writing back that way?

I wonder what it was that made Maria so attractive to these men. Was it her age? Her lack of worldliness? Her offer of domestic servitude? Was it because she could work so hard and require absolutely no pay and very little nourishment?

Whatever it is that made men beat a path to Maria’s door, one thing is clear with this experiment: yes, there is indeed something about Maria.

Posted Gone the way of mad science |