Nevergirl’s

Can you people stop worrying about Mendoza and the kung fu of the Hong Kong community for a minute, and answer a very important question? Are shrimps really just huge insects?

I have always maintained that shrimps are nothing more than insects, in the same way that a cockroach is. No, this isn’t bitterness over being unable to eat shrimps because I’m allergic to them. Look at shrimps, people! Do they look cute to you? Useful? Adorable? Harmless? More to the point, doesn’t this deepwater shrimp look like it could be a relative of the cockroach?

Photo credit: Colorado State University

If diners were to be served a freshly killed, piping hot cockroach, I’ve no doubt they would run straight from the restaurant to the nearest police station, retching and itching to file charges. Yet people pay atrocious prices for shrimp, despite the fact that it has the FIVE biological qualities of an insect, specifically:

1. It has more legs than necessary.
2. It has more legs than necessary yet does not shop for shoes, online or off.
3. It cannot be petted.
4. It does not recognize or respond to simple commands such as “Fetch!”
5. It does not drink Red Horse.

I do not eat shrimps. The last time I tried to, disaster (of Hiroshima bombing proportions) struck. I had to stay in bed for three days, nebulizing three times a day and making  sure no one sees just how much I resembled the stone fish at that point. Given that and given how highly suspicious shrimps look to begin with, I can’t believe I’m the only one in the world to suspect the shrimp of sinister activities. Every time a fishing boat sinks, I blame shrimps. Whenever our awesome work software (check it out; it’s one of the highest paying affiliate program I know–but no, I’m not an affiliate) gets bogged down by server issues, I blame shrimps. Every time a coastal village gets wiped out by tidal waves, I blame shrimps. Some nights, I even think shrimps are to blame for the hostage taking at the Quirino grand stand. I’m not sure why; I just feel in my bones these creatures are responsible somehow. (And wow, have I started talking like my maternal grandmother! She explains everything from why she doesn’t like the new help to how she knows someone is pregnant with “I just feel it in my bones!”)

Interestingly, there is a joke about shrimps that always, always cracks me up. Girls who have a smokin’ bod but an ugly face are supposedly referred to as shrimps—hipon in Tagalog; pasayan in Bisaya. The only way to make them palatable is to take the head off before eating. Macho jokes aside, I do not like shrimps—I can’t stress this enough. If you value our friendship, blood relations, or business connection at all, do not put these creatures on a platter before me. I will find this insulting. Mark my words, it won’t be long now before the scientists discover that shrimps share the same genetic makeup as cockroaches, and that both shrimp and cockroach have the same cousin: Pokwang.

Posted The Part Where Achinette Theorizes |