Nevergirl’s

Sometimes, I worry about landing in prison. I haven’t broken the law and I don’t plan to. But, I have this sick visualization that one of these days, my life will take a Kafkaesque twist – I will be put on death row due to a sad case of mistaken identity. That, or an administrative error. I am not trying to be comic here (I never am because I was born without a sense of humor but people laugh at me anyway and this appalling lack of respect deserves a post of its own). Landing in prison is one of those things I actively worry about because

a) I’m obsessive about a clean loo;
b) I’m allergic to just about everything – certain perfumes, pollen, animal hair, seafood, dust, even people;
c) I like girls but not that way; and
d) my anus is way too small.

So, even though I am not headed for prison and probably never will be, I am always hatching A PLAN. The government suggests not eating anything with possible Melamine content as the best DISASTER PLAN but how would that help in my tragic false-imprisonment disaster?

Today, I have latched onto a new plan. I will buy all the boring books I’ve cash for but do not have the time or the interest to read right away. When I get sent to prison, they will keep me occupied until it’s my turn to say hello to the needle. I will also convert to some very nitpicky, time-consuming religion like Orthodox Judaism. The dietary restrictions will give me lots of reasons to be a pain in the ass. Plus, I get to be original. I’ll sit shiva for every dead animal or plant in the complex, wear sackcloth, sprinkle my head with ashes, and wail, “Ayeeee-humscarudumbambooyee!” Or, I could do a Joc-Joc and come down with some life-threatening condition which requires that I be protected from light and heat and stored at room temperature.

Oh wow, going to prison now sounds almost fun!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 28th, 2008 at 11:57 am and is filed under Blathers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.