Nevergirl’s

I am getting dumber with each birthday.

I kid you not, I am. I was born awesome. I read my first adult novel at age 8. I googled the title and discovered it’s 487 pages of ill-disguised smut; no wonder I knew plenty of synonyms to ‘penis’ even as a child. To most 8-year-olds, a penis is that unnecessary body part that will only cause you pain and grief – it’s a free pass to the circumcision tent. To me, it was a schlong, a dick, a ten-inch pole, a raging erection. And, thanks to my uncles’ vast library of porn books, my vocabulary grew and grew.

I was my school’s extemporaneous speaking champion from second to sixth grade. I was also a loser who wore knee-high socks, sharpened pencils with her teeth, and obsessed about Adolf Hitler and concentration camps. By fourth year high school, I had morphed into a full-fledged geek. I critiqued provisions of the Visiting Forces Agreement for the schoolpaper, debated over the National ID system, learned Bahasa from an Indonesian nun in school, stole a German-English dictionary from the library so I could read Hitler’s Mein Kamp in German – and still wore knee-high socks with floral patterns.

Today, those tasks would be too much for me. I keep trancing out on pretty things. My mind has the terrible aptitude of skipping ahead to discover the results of events that have not yet happened and probably never will. Thus, all Iris has to do is mention “a hefty yoga project that will pretty much take care of this month and the next” and my mind would be off imagining dollar amounts that would let me pay off my plastics and take the kids somewhere awesome, like Tibet so Alex can fistfight a yak, or Angola where tribesmen remain so primitive they still wear loincloths but are savvy enough they talk gunrunners into taking their cows in exchange for M14s, M16s, and M21s. Then, I take a break from that hamster-brained thinking to have impure thoughts about Jack Johnson.

How can anyone with such short attention span succeed at anything? I’m getting dumber, I tell you.

Posted Annoyances, Harking back, Strangeness, While on baby leave |