Nevergirl's

How do you name your kids? Do you trawl through a dictionary? Google? Leave it to grandparents who believe themselves entitled to hock their antediluvian names off to an unsuspecting grandchild? Do you think back to all those co-workers you met at the retail jobs you held? Or do you call a family powwow and vote over which names sound the grandest, the most pompous?

No matter how you do it, be very, very careful what you name your child with. Eccentricity could cost parents child custody. In New Zealand, a nine-year-old was made a ward of court so she could change the name she had been socially handicapped with – Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.

Said Judge Rob Murfitt, “The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child’s parents have shown in choosing this name. It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily.”

For all Judge Murfitt’s sympathetic posteuring, however, courts could still not claim consistency over their decision to accept or trash names. For example, the following names which parents have picked out for their children were condemned as detrimental to a child’s well-being:

1. Yeah Detroit
2. Sex Fruit
3. Fish and Chips
4. Stallion
5. Keenan Got Lucy
6. Twisty Poi

The following names, on the other hand, are deemed admissible by the courts and could thus be foisted by parents onto their children:

1. Number 16 Bus Shelter
2. tragically, Violence
3. Midnight Chardonnay

I wonder if some people name their children while they’re on crack. The weirdness is not an isolated case, that’s for sure, what with Filipino parents casually scarring their children for life with names like Bonifacia, Hesusa, and Potenciano. Come to think of it, these names almost make Alex’s (Layne Nozomi Alexandrie) sound like garden variety.

Who knew the following services could be outsourced?

1. http://www.bagborroworsteal.com
What if you were not born with a trust fund but need to look the part? Well, you Bag, Borrow, or Steal. For a monthly fee, this designer handbag shop lets customers pick out designer handbags online and borrow them for as long as they need to. Monthly fees could be anywhere from $20 to $175. This might seem hefty to you, but it’s small change to those who are trying to befriend or marry their way into the Fendi lifestyle.

2. http://www.alibila.com
Looking for a way to wriggle out of that party your boss is throwing? Desperate to get away for the weekend without having to come up with at least five reasons why? A new French company can manufacture custom-made excuses for you! Founded by former private investigator Regine Mourizard, Alibila can cook up phony emergency phone calls, fake weekend seminars, and invitations to nonexistent fundraisers or weddings.

3. http://reputationdefender.com
For $10 monthly, this company will scour for your name everywhere and then give you a report of their findings. For $20 more, they will thoroughly disinfect your reputation online and make sure that photo you posted on MySpace years back, for example, showing an acne explosion so bad your face looks like miles upon miles of bad road or that comment you made at an adult store online will not appear once someone googles your name.

4. http://www.newyourkey.com
Do you live in New York? Are you always misplacing your key? For a small fee, this outfit will keep copies of your keys and deliver them to you once you find yourself locked out of your apartment. They deliver day and night anywhere in New York City, so you need not worry about sitting on the steps for hours while you wait for your key to arrive.

5. http:www.texaslicesquad.com
If you can’t get rid of lice yourself, why not pay someone to do it for you? Texas Lice Squad offers a complete range of services starting with inspection, elimination, and prevention of recurrence. For $65 for a family of four and for an extra $5 for every additional household member, members of the Texas Lice Squad will inspect heads, use non-toxic products, and comb through family members’ hair for lice and nits.

I’m going to spend at least an hour each day thinking of ideas to build a startup on. No, not personal loans. Someone’s already thought of outsourcing the uterus, but maybe it’s also possible to outsource anxiety, yes?