2012, Big Sad 
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Rough, rough day. I wish I had wine supplies to help me cope. No, scratch that; butter would be more effective. Everything tastes better with butter, it’s been said. Here’s what’s making my head spin today: I finally said goodbye to my second official job as a grownup. But no, that’s not very accurate. It also said goodbye to me.
I’d like to think I’m a sensible adult who owns up to faults, and I own up that I had a lot of hand in the downward spinal of what had once been the most important work relationship in my life. Yes, I wrote down important; though she started out my boss, she became my friend over time and we used to talk about the funniest things, from what the weather’s like in the city they just landed in to what I’m trying to cook without burning.
Then, my grandmother died, my marriage fell apart, and I went crazy. I shunned the world, spending day after day holed up in my room just alternating between crying and sleeping. Not only was I unable to get any work done, I barely had the energy to go online. Consequently, my boss fired me. I deserved it, of course. If I were doing the firing, I would have fired me much earlier.
Three, maybe four weeks after, I asked my boss if I could have my old job back. She said yes but didn’t really send me work to do. I stuck around for close to a month, living on what little savings I managed to tuck away after the trips I took early this year (and boy, is Europe expensive!). Eventually, I realized waiting would get me nowhere and so I went looking for another job. I had no excuse not to: I’m skilled, I work hard, and I desperately need the cash infusion.
I asked for references; the boss agreed, but I did not receive anything.
And then, one day, the boss emailed saying she’s decided to give me another chance, and to prove her point, she sent through work the next day. The email felt anti-climactic. What I would have given months back to have heard her say just that!
Unfortunately, by the time the email arrived, I was too far gone. Though I haven’t yet signed anything with a new boss, I’d made other commitments as a gun for hire; I had to because I just wasn’t getting anything from her. I was also—and it pains me to admit this—bitter; I’d been on the receiving end of not too nice emails previously, and though I cried over every one of those emails I’d received, you never would have known it by my responses. I write back matter-of-factly, as if I hadn’t just finished drying my eyes.
We said goodbye for the last time today. Rather, she did. I had to do without Internet access for a few days; by the time I got back, I saw she’d sent me four emails: none of them the kind that I’d like to read again. I figured there was no point in answering. By the time I had Internet access again and was able to read all those emails, she’s already given an ultimatum that was too late for me to comply with.
You know what’s most hurtful about all this? That job wasn’t just a job, and she wasn’t just a boss. She was family to us, too. I tell the girls stories about her, how though she’s younger than me, she is so much more in every way: smarter, braver, funnier, kinder. Her then boyfriend, now husband, is the most honest Internet marketer in the world—a wunderkind, I’m convinced. He was barely out of his teens when he thought of the software I always tell people is the most amazing in the world—it lets you buy domains, set up blogs, and automate them at record speed! He’s also easily one of the nicest and corkiest people I know his side of the hemisphere: he follows UFC matches with a zeal that borders on the fanatical. They’re very lovely people, these two, and it always seemed to me they were living the dream life. Long before they decided to get married, they agreed to live in a new city every year; and they did just that. Sometimes, in several cities, in fact.
When a super typhoon hit our area, the boss was frantic with worry; she even cried. By the time I managed to go online, she’s been in touch with everybody she can send an email to, to ask about us. She then ever so sneakily tosses in ridiculously big lumps of bonus in every paycheck, to help us get back on our feet. Whenever I point out that it’s too much, she shrugs it off as a present she’s more than happy to give.
She’s a beautiful, wonderful person, this boss. And, she will never know how big a part of our lives she’s become.
Because I’m a hopeless sap, I spent the better part of the day today crying; I’m surprised I haven’t become severely dehydrated; I swear it was that bad! Hahaha! But, I shall stop. Crying is the biggest time-waster of ‘em all; it fixes nothing. I’m sad that her last memory of me isn’t a good one, but that can’t be helped.
Meanwhile, I shall chant this mantra until it grows into my spine (haha!): Push yourself to work harder, faster, and better but don’t forget that you need more than a great paycheck; you need affirmation that your skills are valued, your opinion matters, and that you’re not just an easily expendible cog in the wheel. If I had stayed til June, this year would have been my fifth at this job. That’s not such a bad track record: eight years at my first job, close to five years with this one that I just finished crying over. May the next one last even longer. Fingers crossed!
