Nevergirl’s

“How do you feel?” you asked.

Here’s what I should have said: Today, I feel a sadness so strong it seems to “blow the stars away”.

I’ll be home soon.

I ate the sunshine. I ate it. I wanted its light to flow up to my throat and burst out of my mouth, and so I ate it. I wanted its lightness; I wanted its grace. I wanted to fly through windows as it did, bursting freely among the clouds, flitting past treetops and rooftops, and so I ate it. I speared it, caught it, stepped on it, broke it. I flung it over one shoulder and dragged it home, throwing it onto hot coals, and roasting it—roasting it until I could eat it without my mouth burning, my eyes tearing, or my heart breaking.

Yes, I ate the sunshine, and now I’m neck-deep in light all because I ate the sunshine. I ate it a long time ago when I couldn’t say no, because I couldn’t say no but dearest, please do not read this and think this is about you.

This is not about you (though well, you might think it is because you’ve always called me Sunshine). This is not about you. This is not about you. This is about the sunshine, how I ate it, how I loved it, and how oh how I stuffed it into my mouth, with the desperation of the long-starved, but it was no use, no use. There is no lightness here, no grace; there is only knowledge (and maybe sometimes guilt too) that I ate the sunshine, ate all of it, and left none for you.

I am very sorry.

That’s it. I’m asking the man to change the password to my PayPal account. And, for good measure, I resolve that the next time I end up buying something–anything, in fact, I shall chain myself to a tree for the next 7 days without food, only water. This evil compulsion to shop has got to stop. My clothes now lie inside a big cigarette box and a sack; my closet’s grown fatter than the yeti. I do not need more things, okay? I need more of me so I can bat away with some degree of success at the pile-up on my workdesk. I can’t believe I’m actually considering splurging on more online personalized gifts for baby for friends who recently got visited by the stork, office products, and even an iPad 2. Have I lost my mind?

Yes, I think I may have.

Imagine this: the family’s driving to Surigao, along with other member families of the business coop, and we haven’t started packing. We should since we’d all but bring the house along, what with the two kids, the two yayas, and Alex’s horse guy tagging along too. Nonetheless, I’ve been putting off packing because the thought of telling the help what to look for exhausts me. Can you just imagine how much more exhausting I’d find the actual packing?

I’ll post photos when we return. For now, here’s wishing you a great Sunday ahead!

It’s tough being boss. Tough. (And as I write that, I enter hour nine of an overly dramatic sigh.) No matter how badly you want to put eedjits in their place, you can’t because you have to be better than they are IN EVERY WAY—and that includes, refusing to be petty. I’m sure that if I swallow my urge to snarl on email some more, I’d gain 10 pounds overnight.