Nevergirl’s

Because I have all the maturity of a peanut, I ditched the plan to look at refurbished fitness equipment and instead spent all my time today YouTube-ing the Indian version of classic nursery rhymes. I didn’t even need a sleeee to dance and sing along to these while laughing all the weee. I’m sure this isn’t a new discovery but I’m surprised I didn’t learn of this sooner: everything is funnier in Punjabi. I wonder how Indian babies manage to sleep through all the ruckus. There is nothing at all calming about Indian lullabies!

Yes, I am a retard like this, but please don’t feel bad about this, Mr. Singh. It’s wonderful to give others joy. Do you know there is a spoof on YouTube called The Singhsons?

Truth.

Once upon a time, my body parts worked for me. Now, they work against me, and I’m thinking of firing every single one of them. I’ve been wheezing, and sneezing, and coughing since September 1. Toss in fever and watery eyes, and you can very well understand, can’t you, why I wish I can just hock off certain parts of my anatomy and replace them with pieces I win off eBay?

Anyway, I might be lousy at updating this blog but she has been quite diligent with hers. Of late, anyway. Everyone, meet Alex. She’s in kindergarten.  She tells scary stories, and she loves the color pink. If she cannot remember your name, she will refer to you as “human”. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

He has been photographed in royal capes, underwear, and glittery unitards. He manages to pull of everything because he is a rock god.

Well, okay, maybe not everything. Not this, anyway.

So really, it’s no surprise that Freddie now sits in the Mount Olympus of Rock, doing meth with a pantheon of gods.

1. He played the shit out of instruments, especially the piano, without even learning to read music.

2. He lived with a woman before he decided he loved riding in fast cars with fast boys more.

3. He wore costumes that made grown men cry.

4. He looks like he never ages (anti wrinkle lotion or botox? Either way, seems to have worked).

5. He changed the way people throw concerts.

6. Plus, he wrote songs that appealed to everyone (EVERYONE!) from homophobic jocks (who just love We Are the Champions) to middle-aged women who have not let go of the disco (Another One Bites the Dust) to 40-year-old men still staying in their parents’ basement (Flash)

Finally, it’s been said any woman can get pregnant simply by being in the same room as his mustache. What guy has mustache that awesome?

Okay, enough funnin’.

In truth, I adore you Freddie Mercury, never mind that you’re gayer than daffodils and hairier than the yeti. They have this awesome statue of you overlooking Lake Geneva. I’ll go there someday and steal it.

Freddie, lucky guy, lived in less complicated times, when a grown man could endorse the gayest-packaged acne lotion, wear S&M gear and bull-whip another man, and still be considered absolutely masculine. ABSOLUTELY.

He has a range of almost four octaves. This is very, very impressive. The only singer in the world who can outdo this is Mariah Carey, who has five octaves. However, she is too obsessed with boobs and butterflies to count.

Freddie sang in costumes so um, self-indulgent circus people wouldn’t touch them even if you pay them to. Neither would Cher, I believe, which is amazing because that woman has no qualms making like an Indian or the last glittery tree of Christmas.