Nevergirl’s

He has been photographed in royal capes, underwear, and glittery unitards. He manages to pull of everything because he is a rock god.

Well, okay, maybe not everything. Not this, anyway.

So really, it’s no surprise that Freddie now sits in the Mount Olympus of Rock, doing meth with a pantheon of gods.

1. He played the shit out of instruments, especially the piano, without even learning to read music.

2. He lived with a woman before he decided he loved riding in fast cars with fast boys more.

3. He wore costumes that made grown men cry.

4. He looks like he never ages (anti wrinkle lotion or botox? Either way, seems to have worked).

5. He changed the way people throw concerts.

6. Plus, he wrote songs that appealed to everyone (EVERYONE!) from homophobic jocks (who just love We Are the Champions) to middle-aged women who have not let go of the disco (Another One Bites the Dust) to 40-year-old men still staying in their parents’ basement (Flash)

Finally, it’s been said any woman can get pregnant simply by being in the same room as his mustache. What guy has mustache that awesome?

Okay, enough funnin’.

In truth, I adore you Freddie Mercury, never mind that you’re gayer than daffodils and hairier than the yeti. They have this awesome statue of you overlooking Lake Geneva. I’ll go there someday and steal it.

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Freddie, lucky guy, lived in less complicated times, when a grown man could endorse the gayest-packaged acne lotion, wear S&M gear and bull-whip another man, and still be considered absolutely masculine. ABSOLUTELY.

He has a range of almost four octaves. This is very, very impressive. The only singer in the world who can outdo this is Mariah Carey, who has five octaves. However, she is too obsessed with boobs and butterflies to count.

Freddie sang in costumes so um, self-indulgent circus people wouldn’t touch them even if you pay them to. Neither would Cher, I believe, which is amazing because that woman has no qualms making like an Indian or the last glittery tree of Christmas.

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To the world he is Freddie Mercury, rock god.

To those obsessed enough to read about him (this is me, obviously), he is the coolest Asian since Bruce Lee. This is an amazing thing because as far as anyone knows, he has never beaten up anyone with fists of fury. He has been photographed messing with wigs, crowns, outdoor cushions, and the vacuum cleaner, however.

This is Freddie as a little boy.

After his family moved to England, he went to art school. Later on, he put this artistic talent to use designing the Queen Logo, where he played with the signs of the Zodiac. There’s the lions for the Leos of the band, the crab for Brian May, and the fairies for himself, the group’s Virgo.

This is the only known time Freddie referred to himself as a virgin and the first of many times he will be compared to a fairy.

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