Nevergirl's

I’m 29 but I can’t wait to hit 40 – if I live that long, that is. Saints, legends, and egomaniacs die young – and if you’re pretending you don’t know which one I am, c’mon, even my laundry basket can tell.

But I digress.

The reason I now can’t wait to turn 40 is Andy Rooney. He wrote this love letter to all women, big and small, young and old, menstruating and menopausal.

As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think. An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her. An older single woman usually has had her fill of “meaningful relationships” and “commitment.” The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn’t care less.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.

An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido’s stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she’s lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to.)

Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 50 there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for all of us. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you’ve become, without the distraction of some demanding old man clinging and whining his way into your serenity.”

signed: Andy Rooney

Because I have all the maturity of a peanut, I ditched the plan to look at refurbished fitness equipment and instead spent all my time today YouTube-ing the Indian version of classic nursery rhymes. I didn’t even need a sleeee to dance and sing along to these while laughing all the weee. I’m sure this isn’t a new discovery but I’m surprised I didn’t learn of this sooner: everything is funnier in Punjabi. I wonder how Indian babies manage to sleep through all the ruckus. There is nothing at all calming about Indian lullabies!

Yes, I am a retard like this, but please don’t feel bad about this, Mr. Singh. It’s wonderful to give others joy. Do you know there is a spoof on YouTube called The Singhsons?

Truth.

Once upon a time, my body parts worked for me. Now, they work against me, and I’m thinking of firing every single one of them. I’ve been wheezing, and sneezing, and coughing since September 1. Toss in fever and watery eyes, and you can very well understand, can’t you, why I wish I can just hock off certain parts of my anatomy and replace them with pieces I win off eBay?

Anyway, I might be lousy at updating this blog but she has been quite diligent with hers. Of late, anyway. Everyone, meet Alex. She’s in kindergarten.  She tells scary stories, and she loves the color pink. If she cannot remember your name, she will refer to you as “human”. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

He has been photographed in royal capes, underwear, and glittery unitards. He manages to pull of everything because he is a rock god.

Well, okay, maybe not everything. Not this, anyway.

So really, it’s no surprise that Freddie now sits in the Mount Olympus of Rock, doing meth with a pantheon of gods.

1. He played the shit out of instruments, especially the piano, without even learning to read music.

2. He lived with a woman before he decided he loved riding in fast cars with fast boys more.

3. He wore costumes that made grown men cry.

4. He looks like he never ages (anti wrinkle lotion or botox? Either way, seems to have worked).

5. He changed the way people throw concerts.

6. Plus, he wrote songs that appealed to everyone (EVERYONE!) from homophobic jocks (who just love We Are the Champions) to middle-aged women who have not let go of the disco (Another One Bites the Dust) to 40-year-old men still staying in their parents’ basement (Flash)

Finally, it’s been said any woman can get pregnant simply by being in the same room as his mustache. What guy has mustache that awesome?

Okay, enough funnin’.

In truth, I adore you Freddie Mercury, never mind that you’re gayer than daffodils and hairier than the yeti. They have this awesome statue of you overlooking Lake Geneva. I’ll go there someday and steal it.