Nevergirl’s

Have I told you I don’t like leaving the house much? Okay, great, I just told you. I don’t like leaving the house much. The outside world gives me a headache. It frightens me, it worries me, above all, it gives me allergies. So no, I don’t like leaving the house much but every now and then, I have to.

Today, for instance, I had to. The 5-year-old needs a three-sisters skirt for a school program. I could, of course, leave Wett to do the choosing but he’s very nitpicky and Alex is very opinionated. Between what he wants and what she wants, it might take them til closing time to agree which skirt to choose. So, we went to the mall together, looked around for a bit, had Alex try on the second skirt I saw, asked for a smaller size, paid, and voila! We were done, and in record time, too! We spent a total of 10 minutes shopping, inclusive of getting the skirt rung up.

I’m not sure why I dislike malls so much. Maybe it’s because half of Cebu seem to be there at the same time we are. Or maybe it’s because I need the temptation to shop about as much as I need rv towing: I walk around half-convinced I need a quarter of everything that I see.

Here are some of the photos the husband took.

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Sometimes, I wonder why I have friends. I am not friendly, not friendly at all. I very rarely go out. I live without a cellphone. And, we almost never have people over, too. It doesn’t help that I’d rather be lost in a sea of books, kitchenware, or office furniture rather than in a sea of people. But yes, I’ll have you know that even though it confounds me how I came to have them, I have friends — and they’re a wonderful lot.
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Today, I bounced out of bed and made a huge effort to be happy. I made two cups of piping hot coffee (black for me, with cream for him) and sat in the stoop with the husband while we sipped it in silence.

And, then, I purged the last of the circles running in my mind.

I don’t eat fish, at least not enough. This is odd because I like fish, and have always planned on subsisting on fish in the biblical sense. Fish and loaves, ye friends. Fish and loaves. I think I’d like a Sony Vaio more than a Mac. They’ve less power but they’re also more girly (Iris will kill me!). I have a wind-up clock by my bedside table. When it rings — and it hasn’t done that in quite a while — it can wake anyone within a two-barangay radius. I haven’t been to the beach enough this year. I’m not as ordinary as I think I am. I shouldn’t have sprung for teeth whitening after my braces came off. Not when I drink a lot of tea and coffee every day, and water very rarely. It’s okay to whistle even though mine sounds like I’m wheezing from an asthma attack. I don’t have to have perfect hair — and I don’t. I never d. Sometimes, I wish I’m perfect. Then, I don’t wish to be perfect because no one is perfect, but coffee is.

Oh, and I hope you all have a PERFECT Friday!

This has been a rough day. I’m pissed, tired, and worried – a frame of mind that’s hard to get unstuck from. I know I don’t blog about sadness and running into roadblocks (or feeling like a truckloads of tiles fell on my head) much but just because I don’t talk about them doesn’t mean they don’t exist. They do. I just don’t talk about them here or to anyone for that matter.

Mind you, I wasn’t always this guarded. When I was younger (and naive), I saw every willing ear as a friend. Everyone who asked, “What’s wrong?” got a straight answer. I came from a small town, you see, and small townsfolk have small town values. When they ask how you are with concern in their eyes, they truly mean, “Are you okay?” and not, “Is there a juicy story you’re not telling me?”

But I learned fast, and I learned well. I learned not to answer the questions, “What’s wrong?” and “Is there anything the matter?” I learned not to trust everyone who seemed nice, I learned to question motives. I built walls slowly but steadily. Four years after a very tough experience (that broke my heart and taught me not to take anything at face value), the transformation was complete. I was untouchable. I was indifferent. Gossip has never interested me as a child; it interests me less as an adult. In a nutshell: you couldn’t get me interested in other people’s lives; and I couldn’t be bothered to share mine.

But today, I’m thinking it might be nice to let the wall down a bit and share what got me so nettled. It might be nice to get angry in a wings-ruffled, heels-pricked, I’m-so-mad-it-makes-me-cross-eyed way. Except that I’m not used to losing control in that manner anymore. And, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to live unwalled.

I hope you all had a better Thursday than I did.