Nevergirl's

Men are creatures of habit. Unless they’re naturally complex (think Freud), naturally disturbed (think Willy Wonka), or leading a double life (think 007), they will always act according to pattern.

Here are some of the recurring patterns I’ve observed.

1. Men love to barbecue. It’s a given; men like to cook when danger is involved. This predilection to associate cooking with danger dates back to cave days when men roasted mastodons’ feet for nourishment and for sheer adrenaline value.

2. Men like complex keys, buttons, and manuals. Figuring out highly technical things makes them feel necessary and important.

3. Men are very forgetful. This is why TV stations created instant replay. Not long after a player dunks the ball, men have already forgotten his name. So go a little easy on him when he forgets which year the two of you first met. Odds are, he can’t even remember the year his parents were born.

4. The average man hates to shop. This is why the men’s department is often located in the very first floor of most department stores. In fact, not only is their department on the first floor, it’s only a few inches away from the door.

5. Men with piercings are better equipped for relationships. One, they know how to deal with pain. Two, they know how to buy jewelry, and no, metal shelving does not count.

In a way, it’s funny how men could be so predictable. The hub says men prefer patterns because they find change exhausting. He points out, “Trying to figure out what women think is a huge chore in itself. Everything else should be kept simple.” I don’t know what rationalization other men can come up with but for the time being, until I get a better one, I’ll have to take my husband’s word that men love routines because the women in their lives throw them curveballs one after the other.

Routines, in a manner of speaking, let them breathe.

What kind of man would marry me if, aside from being achingly young, uneducated, and barely able to string together a paragraph in English, I could cook, farm, perform all sorts of manual labor until my eyes cross, and promise to eat very little?

I decided to find out.

I hightailed it to a popular mail-order female website which proclaimed itself responsible for over 50,000 marriages and 15,000 relationships. It boasts of numerous testimonials from people who “found soulmates online” and “started a family on the back of a membership fee.”

Today, I gave birth to The Maria Experiment. Meet Maria Macalandag. Maria has my face, her profile is her own. To complete the story, I uploaded a photo of me taken in one of the depressed areas I’d gone to for Basic Mass Integration. Think mountains as far as the eyes as can see and shanties the most minor of storms would uproot.

Name: Maria Macalandag
Age: 19
Height: 5”
Weight: 100-115 lbs.
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Country: Philippines
Nationality: Pilipino
Education: High School
Employment: Farmering daughter

About:
I’m want marry to a mature man, maybe 50 – 65 of ages. Good if American or live in Europe. I always very clean and work hard. I clean and cook expert. I not eating too much or go out have fun. I take good care of husband. I wash clothes and many thing. I can work in farm or home. I live in farm for many years. I am not so short but very strong.

Thank you and more power.

Three days later, I was dumbfounded by how well the experiment went. My mailbox overflowed with emails from men all over the Western hemisphere. Imagine how shocked these guys felt after the meek and barely literate Maria dashed off her replies to their letters. I wouldn’t be surprised if I gave some of them a coronary. But I’m getting ahead of the story. Let’s meet some of Maria’s prospective husbands, shall we?

Prospect No. 1 - Mac, a 44-year-old white American farmer, with green eyes and a receding hairline

Message:
Dear Maria, I am very much interested in you. I am looking for a wife who wants to raise a family and help me take care of my land. Perhaps this could be the beginning of a very special relationship.

Dear Mac, I know you jerk off at the idea of land being farmed oh-so disrespectfully. Thank you for showing interest in farming me.

Prospect No. 2 - Gary, a 40-year-old car salesman

Message:
I felt I had to write you because I saw your photo… and wow! I think you’re the girl I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I am financially stable but I don’t meet your age requirement. I hope you change your mind about that. I never could understand why girls your age want very old men.

Dear Gary, I’m sorry I can’t marry you. You don’t fit my requirement. I want to marry an ailing old man who will give me hours of wheelchair-pushing pleasure.

Prospect No. 3 - Dean, a 47-year-old American entrepreneur

Message:
Hello, how are you? You’re a beautiful woman. I’d like to know more about you.

Dear Dean, what more do you need to know? I just want to cook your meals and do your laundry. Please let me.

Prospect No. 4 – Jude, a 55-year-old retired pilot

Message:
Hello maria, you seem to be a very humor-filled young woman. I hope I could talk to you soon. May I have your number? I want to call you.

Humor-filled? Can you show me one line in my profile that shows I’m trying to be funny? I offered you love and servitude. I also promised to eat very little. That’s not funny. That’s economical.

Please send me $500 so I can buy a phone and prepaid load. You can call me then.

I know, I know. I should not have written back to Maria’s suitors in the manner I did. I could have prolonged the fun by continuing the correspondence. But really, how could anyone resist writing back that way?

I wonder what it was that made Maria so attractive to these men. Was it her age? Her lack of worldliness? Her offer of domestic servitude? Was it because she could work so hard and require absolutely no pay and very little nourishment?

Whatever it is that made men beat a path to Maria’s door, one thing is clear with this experiment: yes, there is indeed something about Maria.

The Korean bigwigs over at the think-tank often grumble about the Internet connection this side of the world. “Everything in Korea load at one go,” they would gripe each time they’re forced to wait an eternity for a page to load. “Here, everything slow. Everything time out.”

For once, I find myself in complete agreement with the Koreans. All connections here, regardless of provider and plan (yes, you can’t tell me it’s the plan because I have a 1mb plan but only get to use 200kbps), suck vacuum cleaners. Every time I try to check my mail, chat over YM, or blog, I’ve to count up to a hundred at the least, shuffle my feet fifty times, and say the alphabet backwards before I get some semblance of a connection.

It’s horrible how much money Globe is making off us. We pay PhP 1,250 monthly for service we need but seldom get to use. Thankfully, the husband’s pretty conscientious about calling the billing department’s attention. He keeps detailed logs of our actual Internet speed and then asks for their equivalent in rebates. These customer representatives being the louts that they are, they promise us rebates but don’t actually reflect these in our statements. It would take at least three more months and countless more phone calls before the rebate actually shows up on our billings. Yes, justice delayed is justice denied; but when it comes to getting rebates from Globe, the husband’s mantra has always been “better late than never.”

Not surprisingly, for a firm that provides such sloppy service, Globe’s awfully diligent about collecting payment. They always collect on time. In fact, if we so much as delay payment by a day, we get one of those automated messages that remind us our payment ‘s past due. How thoughtful! Clearly, their system can be efficient but as is becoming apparent by the many hate blogs I’ve stumbled across, they’re only efficient when it’s to their benefit.

Shame.

Four is an interesting age to be, especially if you’re Alex (and you regularly nuke your parents’ Internet line with one youtube download after another) and you go to Alex’s school. Charles is a two-year-old who brings a feeding bottle to school. Pia is a four-year-old who wants to become Hannah Montana. Bowen is three and he snacks on rice and beef loaf at 10 in the morning. Mary has a pet plant, and goes around the playground asking other kids, “Where’s my mom? Where’s my dad?” Then, there’s Kylie who, at four, has a boyfriend whom she describes as “very handsome,” prompting my daughter to ask that same night, “What does handsome mean, ma?”

My daughter’s imagination is in good hands, very, very good hands.