Nevergirl’s

Who knew the following services could be outsourced?

1. http://www.bagborroworsteal.com
What if you were not born with a trust fund but need to look the part? Well, you Bag, Borrow, or Steal. For a monthly fee, this designer handbag shop lets customers pick out designer handbags online and borrow them for as long as they need to. Monthly fees could be anywhere from $20 to $175. This might seem hefty to you, but it’s small change to those who are trying to befriend or marry their way into the Fendi lifestyle.

2. http://www.alibila.com
Looking for a way to wriggle out of that party your boss is throwing? Desperate to get away for the weekend without having to come up with at least five reasons why? A new French company can manufacture custom-made excuses for you! Founded by former private investigator Regine Mourizard, Alibila can cook up phony emergency phone calls, fake weekend seminars, and invitations to nonexistent fundraisers or weddings.

3. http://reputationdefender.com
For $10 monthly, this company will scour for your name everywhere and then give you a report of their findings. For $20 more, they will thoroughly disinfect your reputation online and make sure that photo you posted on MySpace years back, for example, showing an acne explosion so bad your face looks like miles upon miles of bad road or that comment you made at an adult store online will not appear once someone googles your name.

4. http://www.newyourkey.com
Do you live in New York? Are you always misplacing your key? For a small fee, this outfit will keep copies of your keys and deliver them to you once you find yourself locked out of your apartment. They deliver day and night anywhere in New York City, so you need not worry about sitting on the steps for hours while you wait for your key to arrive.

5. http:www.texaslicesquad.com
If you can’t get rid of lice yourself, why not pay someone to do it for you? Texas Lice Squad offers a complete range of services starting with inspection, elimination, and prevention of recurrence. For $65 for a family of four and for an extra $5 for every additional household member, members of the Texas Lice Squad will inspect heads, use non-toxic products, and comb through family members’ hair for lice and nits.

I’m going to spend at least an hour each day thinking of ideas to build a startup on. Someone’s already thought of outsourcing the uterus, but maybe it’s also possible to outsource anxiety, yes?

Posted in Oddities | 1 Comment »

Okay, going slightly mad here. A dotcom is a lot of work. It’s almost as – if not more – demanding than a toddler. One, it doesn’t run on its own. Two, you have to feed it lots of plugins, widgets, and codes and most of them, dear God, entail the use of ftp.

The only good thing out of this is that my learning curve has improved immensely. That, and the ability to perform basic computer-related functions (think typing and mouse-clicking) while lying down with buttocks propped by two fat pillows. No, no, I am not a contortionist. The pillow-propping is done for a good reason and not because I’m masochistic that way. But I digress. As I was saying, running my own dotcom has improved my learning curve by leaps and bounds. I now know that a widget is not a variant of the word midget and that plugins neither have sockets nor do they actually require physical plug-in into one. I can now download themes and upload them to filezilla, never mind that the only directory I feel brave enough to touch is wp-content, nothing else.

Still, there’s still so much to do. I haven’t figured out how to track blog stats. Iris, that tech geek who has successfully duped people into thinking she’s a bimbo, suggested I use google analytics. But goshdarned it, I cannot figure out where to embed my codes!

This is frustrating. I’ll go play Simply Smashing with the little girl now. Catching plates and getting scolded by a mustached rabbit over the ones I break beats babysitting a dotcom.

Posted in Gripevine | 2 Comments »

Only one thing stands between world domination and me: me. Seriously.

The basic material for greatness is genetically hotwired into each of us. And on a daily basis, we make choices that prime us for greater things or destine us for failure. This morning, for example, I woke up bright-eyed and eager to get a lot of writing and editing done. Sure, I’ve to do it in bed, with my butt propped with pillows, and using the tiniest laptop this side of the equator. But who’s nitpicking? I’m so bored with this stay-home arrangement I would leap at any chance to work, even though it’s online.

The problem with having Internet connection, however, is that no matter how slow it crawls, it gets in the way. I got stuck the whole morning reading stories on entrepreneurial success. Yes, these stories are inspiring and yes, they’re a fun read; but three hours and aching eyes down the line, they did nothing for my productivity. This is my cross when it comes to writing and research. I get so engrossed with the research part it takes me forever to hunker down and actually write. Once, Iris asked me to write an article on Investment Grade Wines. It took me hours to finish even though the actual writing took less than 30 minutes. I became so fascinated with IGWs and their returns on investment I actually checked if the calculations posted online were accurate!

I need a social life. I need decent conversation. I should stop making this blog a surrogate for human contact. I may not be allowed to go out and walk about but I sure as hell could make use of that thing they call Gmail.

Must. buy. discipline. and. get. a. life plan.

Posted in Annoyances, Gripevine | 6 Comments »